Saying Goodbye

Whatever tears were left were caught up in his throat, forming a hard sort of lump that he couldn't get to go away.  It was.... a little strange.  He'd always thought he wouldn't be able to keep it together should he outlive her.  He had always seen himself being unable to stay around all the people looking at him and smiling comfortingly, instead having to get himself away from them and the rooms that seemed heavy with the emotion of the day.  He recalled a scene from a movie, very vaguely, in which three children who had lost their parents secluded themselves from the funeral guests by going upstairs and hiding in the back of their mother's closet, at which point the youngest noted "it smells like mommy in here".  That was what he had always thought he would end up doing.  Locking himself away from everyone and just wrapping himself in everything that she used to be.  Everything that, to him, she still was.  And yet... here he sat.  His shoulders were hunched.  His fingers were laced with his hands hanging limpy between his knees, his elbows rested on his legs.  His head was down a little and his gaze was unfocused, though he stared in the general direction of his shoes.  The only thing that made him look up was the soft whisper in his ear.  "Grandpa."  It almost sounded... for just a second... like Charlotte's voice.  But he blinked and looked up quickly only to find a big pair of soft-gray eyes staring back at him, the angelic face framed with wispy blonde hair that made the three-year-old look even more innocent than she really was.  It was his youngest granddaughter, Heather.  The youngest child of his own youngest child, Lily.  She had named both of her daughters after flowers, he suddenly noticed... Lily, Jasmine, Heather... He wondered if Charlotte had ever noticed it?  It was the kind of thing she would have loved...

But he blinked again and suddenly, everything around him became very clear.  The blonde little girl was standing up on the pew next to him, her mother holding onto her waist with one hand to make sure she didn't fall.  Heather was wearing a pink dress with a flower crown on her head of soft blonde hair - too young still to fully grasp the meaning of what was going on here.  She smiled at him, though.  All she saw was that her grandfather was sad, and she wanted to help him be happy again.  So after a moment of looking back at the little girl, the one piece of innocence he could see in this entire church, Charlie reached out with both arms, she walked into them, and he picked her up and settled her down to sit on his lap.  He held her close, looking over at her mother and giving a half-hearted effort at a smile as Lily reached out and touched his shoulder before sniffing roughly and then quickly turning back to bury her face in her husband's shoulder.  He took a deep breath and adjusted Heather on his lap, but as soon as he swallowed past that lump in his throat and started to turn his attention back to what exactly Ducky was saying, he stretched out a hand to the coffin and stepped down from the podium to sit back with his wife and children only a little way from him.  What?  Al... Already?  He... He didn't think he could... Not with Heather, surely, and she only just got settled, so... so maybe he should just stay here.  He... He didn't...

... He didn't want to think of Charlotte - his Charlotte - being in that wooden box and... and never coming out of it...

But then, somehow, as if something else was compelling him to get up and take slow step after slow step towards the coffin... that's exactly what he did.  He had Heather next to him, holding her left hand in his right, as he moved up to the coffin and gently touched it with his hand.  But the wood, while of a nice make and color, was cold and hard.  Exactly the opposite of what his Charlotte had been.  Charlie visibly winced and pulled his hand back before barely a second had passed, tugging Heather away slightly until she started to walk with him on her own.  Her mother passed him as they walked back to the pews, and Charlie let Lily pick Heather up in her arms.  He loved the little girl, but he didn't want a child hanging on him at the moment.  He wanted... he...  He wanted to...

People started talking around him.  A low mumble as people whispered and spoke under their breath, starting to converse more freely now that the main service was over.  A child's voice, a boy who he knew was Caleb just by the level of energy in his words, and then a grown man shushing him quickly and with a trace of panic in his voice.  Caleb's older brother Christian.  Charlie had met them before.  He knew them both quite well, so he didn't get upset or insulted at Caleb's little lack of subtlety.  Besides, he heard Ducky speak to them after a few moments, telling them that there would be pie and other things back at his house with Linda.  Caleb exclaimed excitedly at that, drawing a few good-natured chuckles from some of the people around them, but Charlie found himself suddenly standing off to the side, his hands in his pockets and his eyes fixed strangely on the doors at the back of the church.  He knew what he wanted now.

He wanted to be alone...

The procession of people moved as a group towards the lobby of the dark church building. Although before the preceding many of the guests had mingled and exchanged pleasant conversation, now the crowd was quiet, heavy with the loss that had been reminded them by the speeches given moments before. Ducky stayed close to his wife and children, keeping withing arm's reach of at least two of them at all times. His daughters were busy keeping their kids in line. His wife was going from person to person sharing hellos and other such pleasantries, a habit that did well for being a pastor's wife. He dealt through the various greetings and thank yous with less enthusiasm than she. His mind was preoccupied with other things. So many people had come to say their final farewells to this wonderful woman, yet it the crowd it shouldn't have been hard to spot the man who should have been of most concern to all these people. As Ducky stood by the door, absentmindedly answering the passing comments of the departing groups, his eyes were scanning the crowd for his dear friend. Where could he have been?

Linda made her way over to him, a small amount of concern in her eyes as she looked up to her husband. "Is everything alright, dear?" Ducky took a moment to scan the room a second longer before putting his hands on her shoulders and smiling down at his wife.

"Oh yes, my love. Everything is just fine. I'm simply worrying about Charlie. He was one of the first to leave, but I haven't seen him since he slipped through the door. You don't see him here, do you?"

Gently, Linda laid her soft hands atop his. "Wyatt and Miriam took him outside to the car. She says he's really not up to going to the grave sight. I can't even imagine how hard this must be for him." Ducky nodded, agreeing with his wife. He had no idea what his best friend must be going through. Not just because he's lost his wife, but because he had no comfort in the afterlife. Ducky could say with certainty that, though he may lose his friends and family here, some day soon he would see many of them again. Charlie just didn't have that confidence, and it must have been terrifying. How lonely it must be for him.

"How about I take him home, huh? Just to, you know, keep an eye on him. Keep him company."

"That sounds like a good idea. If he feels up to it later on you can bring him over to our house. Just...don't push him, alright? Remember, there's a time a place." Ducky knew well enough Linda wasn't just talking about a dinner invitation. He had a reputation for taking any opportunity to share the gospel, especially with those he held most dear, and even more especially with the open door that the loss of a loved one provided. Linda was warning him to be careful. There was a time when sharing God's word would be accepted, and a time when sharing it would close the door for good. Again, Ducky nodded in agreement with his wife's wise words of advice.

"I won't push him. I promise." He kissed her lips quickly, moving towards the door to push it open for another elderly couple. "I'll see you at home. I love you!"

"I love you," he heard her response as he slipped through the door after the first couple and headed out towards the parking lot. It didn't take him long to follow the rather noisy voices of restless children and their desperate mother.

"Miriam!"

"Oh, thank heavens you're here. Wyatt? Dad's here. Tell Charlie to let my dad take him home before we have to go to a murder trial too!" Ducky couldn't help but chuckle as he came close enough to realize that all the noise was caused by all of Miriam's children fighting over some sort of rock one of them had picked up from the flower bed outside the church doors. Miriam was right in the middle of the commotion, trying to get her kids to stop the fighting, but it was obvious she needed the man of the house to help. Ducky moved more quickly towards the car, passing his son-in-law on the way. He found Charlie in his car, looking more frayed than he'd imagined.

"Heya, Gramps," he teased lightly, letting his hand fall heavily on the other man's shoulder in a sort of pat. "How about you let me drive ya? That way you don't have to worry about all the reckless drivers and bumper traffic out there making you go crazy."

Dear Charlotte

"Charlotte was a strong woman..." a pause to look out over the people who'd gathers to honor the woman who'd passed. "She had a strong sense of values. She had a strong love for her family. And she had a strong love for God. In the last ten years that I knew her she did more for the churches and the women in this community then most have been able to do in a lifetime. She was a stubborn woman who would not accept anything to be done half-way. It had to be done right or done over. This was so in her home," a look to the woman's children, who smiled and nodded at the fond memories the words brought back. "and in her ministries." Another look over at those who'd worked with in the woman's groups, then to those who'd been helped by her women's groups. All nodded agreement, holding tissues and handkerchiefs up to their eyes and noses.

"I have never seen a woman so passionate about life. She made every day her last day on earth, never leaving anything unfinished or unresolved. I can't remember a single argument she ever had with anyone she didn't make amends for that very same day." a glance over at the woman's husband. He sat staring at the coffin at the head of the room, his loss evident by the grief-stricken expression across his face. "That was just how she was. There was no special effort. She simply lived day to day, the way everyone ought to. She lived with her eyes on heaven, and everything she did reflected that. Her life was a picture of heaven itself. There was no mistake Jesus shown through in her ever action. And she was so happy for that. You could just see her face light up when someone told her that. But Charlotte was always a humble sort. When it came to her accomplishments never once did I hear her take the credit. It was always for the hard work of others, by the grace of God. What a testimony. What a blessing it was to know her, to have met her."

Ducky paused here, not for the sake of the people he was speaking to, but for his own sake. His eyes were watery, his voice thick with emotion. This wasn't just a eulogy for a person he'd never met before. This was the life of a woman he'd considered one of his dearest friends. His sister in just about every sense of the word. To know that he would never be able to see her again the way he used to, call her up for a Bible study or church bake sale, taste one of her sweet homemade pies...oh, he was going to miss her terribly. "The day that Charlotte left us the world lost an amazing woman. A woman who loved, who laughed, who lived. But all of us gathered here today, we are not here to mourn her passing, but rather to celebrate her having lived with us for the time that she had. I speak for myself, and for all of you, when I say that we will miss her fiercely. But we can rest in the hope that some of us will see her again someday. I know Charlotte is happy now. More so than you or I could begin to imagine. And someday we'll go up to meet her and we can share in that everlasting joy! But for now, let's live. Live the way she would have wanted, the way she showed us by her great example. Let's pray." The room as a whole bowed their heads in respect as the pastor's low voice spoke no longer to them, but to someone much more important.

"Heavenly Father, we come to you today in a very sorry state. Our hearts are breaking for the loss of our dear friend, mother, wife, sister, daughter, grandmother Charlotte. We thank You for her life. That You gave each and every once of us the true privileged to have met this wonderful woman. We thank You that You welcomed her into Your family ten years ago and that You hold her in Your arms now. We ask, Lord, that you would give to us Your peace and Your joy that Charlotte showed to us every day. Comfort our souls as we wait for the day that we will see her again with You. Thank you for this beautiful service in memory of this beautiful woman. May all our days be as filled with You as hers were. In Jesus name we pray, Amen." The congregation whispered in unison their amen's, raising their heads and waiting for the rest of the service to continue. Ducky stepped down from the podium and sat next to his wife, who took his hand and squeezed it for the emotional support she was in need of. Another man took Ducky's place on stage and explained to the group that they would now be allowed to say their last goodbyes before the casket was taken to the burial sight. It was requested that the family be allowed to go first so that they could ready their cars for the procession to the grave sight. Ducky watched as one by one people began to stand. Charlie, then her children and grandchildren. Ducky's own daughter urged him and Linda to come as they walked on.

"You're as much family to Charlotte as we are, dad. Come on," she leaned over to tell him, pulling him and her sisters out of their seats to walk with them. Ducky did as he was told, following the rest of the family past the open casket. He didn't look in though. The people who'd prepared her for this day had done a good job of making her look pretty, but she didn't looks like Charlotte. Her body had already been vacated. She wasn't there. Ducky knew she no longer looked like the woman he and Linda considered one of their own family as well. She no longer looked like Charlotte, he didn't want to see that. Instead he focused on getting up, getting past, and getting out. As they walked along the aisles on their way to the back door and towards the parking lot, Ducky couldn't help but overhear the silent whispers of the different people who'd come. Talking about Charlotte or what they were going to do after leaving or where they'd go for lunch now. He smiled. It was good to know people weren't going to lock themselves inside their homes and cry. They were going to go out and celebrate, honor her the way she would have wanted to be honored. It was a good thing. But one voice, he couldn't help but notice, stood how over the rest...mainly because it was much louder than the whispers and the sniffles of the others.

"Now can we go to Chik-fil-e???" the loud little voice echoed through the building, even though it was obvious he was trying his hardest to be quiet.

"Shhhh!" came the hurried response from the man next to him.

"But Christian! They've got those bug capturing boxes in the kids meals and I want one before they're all gone!" People were turning to look at the two boys as the older desperately tried to silence the younger. Many of the parents who knew the pair were smiling and snickering at the all but humorous child. It was all Ducky could do not to join in. As he passed their pew he leaned over and whispered, "You both are invited to my house after the casket is buried. Miss Linda's making pie." He beamed as he heard from behind him the little voice gasp. "Forget the bugs, Chris! We get pie!!!"

To continue reading this chapter, click here!

State of Grace

80 million people in the US were born between 1980 and 2000, a generation defined by sociologists as Generation Y - more commonly called Millennials.  According to experts, Millennials feel entitled, are more narcissistic than their parents, and delay previously established "rites of passage" such as moving out and getting married.  They are less interested in voting and preserving the environment, and more skilled in the practical use of technology than they are in effectively communicating in writing or speaking.

Of these 80 million, 15% identify as Christians.

In Greenville, South Carolina, one of the most internationally renowned Christian schools teaches thousands of students every day.  Among majors like Theatre Arts and Chemistry, Millennials receive a top education coupled with a Christian environment, where there are nightly prayer meetings and physical contact between boys and girls is punishable with community service.  Centered around Bob Jones University, Millennials clash with each other and the world around them, pressured by their parents and grandparents to be one way while the world beckons them to be another.  Can a Christian named Christian preach the gospel while raising his baby brother?  Can a little boy with two loving fathers understand the battle going on around him? Can two teenagers really have everything they want and still make everyone happy?  And is it really so bad to have a little sin in your life?

Only 15% of Millennials identify as Christians.  The question, is why.

Sunday News!

Kiki and I talked about this for a long time before deciding to do it. We've both wanted to do something like this for a while but now we've finally decided it's time. First, let me start by saying that Kiki and I are Christians. We believe the Bible from the first page to the last as a complete truth, and we try our best, with God's help, to live in a way that reflects the Bible and it's author, the one true God. Now we do understand that this will turn many of you off and that the subject matter of the following Sunday posts may offend some of you. We mean to do none of that.

In our Christian lives we have seen a great need for good spiritual fiction. The books published for "Christian readers" are shallow and lacking in anything worth while for well rounded readers. I personally have walked through Christian book stores many times with the intention of buying a romance novel or a historical fiction, and so many times I've had to leave empty handed. The books are out there, but they are so filled with worldly ways of thinking and dramatic dribble that the books become a chore to read through, however decent the plot may have been.

For our fellow Christian brothers and sisters, we wish to write to you a work of fiction that will express the true and genuine lives of Christians. The struggles and hardships, the triumphs and blessings. Everything from falling in love to facing death itself. But most of all, we wish to convey the deep and passionate and living relationship that true Christians share with God. The love He shows for us, and the love we have for Him. And we sincerely hope that if you are not of the same religion, that you will continue reading anyway. It's going to be a great run!

For those who do not agree with us or share our beliefs, we do not mean to offend or attack you by the things we write. Our writing is an honest expression of the way we believe, and each character has his own thoughts on how those beliefs should be followed. Their feelings do not always express exactly what is in our own hearts but will always try to be Biblical and honest. All we ask is that you would show us the same tolerance that is asked of us, and that our work would be shown the respect deserving of any writer.

Our new story, State Of Grace, will premier next Sunday, and be updated every Sunday following for the foreseeable future. And for those of you choosing not to follow, don't worry. Regular posting will continue during the week.

We thank you for your patience with us and for your continued support through this new venture.